I have a confession to make. This is hard. It’s something I hate to admit. It’s something I wish I could say will never happen again, but I’m human and I sin.
A way I can help myself to never do this again? Have the words of God on my heart always. I need to study compassion, meekness, humbleness and mercy.
I was chatting with Jessica Woessner about her Bradley class one day, “How’s it going? Are you liking it?” She replied, “It’s going great!”
I asked her how the other people in her class were. I LOVED my class and we still try to keep up with each other and our sweet littles. She said, “They are good, there’s one couple in the class that is UBER all natural. They are having a homebirth with a midwife…” She wasn’t saying it in a judgmental way, I think she was telling me about this couple because we had things in common. I remembered meeting this girl at the previous open house and chatted with her about her homebirth and midwife. However, in that moment I had thoughts I wish I could say never crossed my mind.
While Jessica was describing this couple to me I thought, in a disgusted way, “Oh good for them. Go ahead, try to have a homebirth. Maybe it will end up like mine. Actually I hope it ends up like mine. Ha! What would they do if they had to be transferred to the hospital and have a C-section? That would show them ALL NATURAL HOMEBIRTH!”
I tried to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. I hated that I was thinking like that because deep down I didn’t feel that way, it was just the devil getting in my head.
In the weeks following and leading up to Jessica’s birth I would run into this couple every once in a while because oddly enough our paths would cross. I got to know the mom. She was precious. She was sweet, soft spoken, and I enjoyed talking to her.
I was frequently reminded how I felt when I would see her sweet smile and it broke my heart that I could ever feel that way about someone.
The day after Baby Oliver was born I ran into her and her husband. I was on cloud 9! I was so excited to tell everyone about Jessica’s all-natural birth and how I was there to help. I was telling them about it and at the very end I told them exactly what I said in my birth story blog about how I felt like it was a victory for me and almost kind of cancelled out the fact that I wasn’t able to have the natural birth I wanted. I got emotional and they were so excited for Jessica and me!
We ran into each other a few more times before her due date and again after her due date had come and gone. Every time I talked to her she was positive and anxious for her baby to arrive.
I requested to be her friend on Facebook so I could be on baby watch, but she is one of those that doesn’t post every detail of her life on social media so I still felt out of the loop. I would text Jessica DeYoung often (and I’m sure driving her crazy) to see if she heard anything. I would think about them, pray about them, and wait until I heard something.
Then it happened. A post from her husband on Facebook announcing their baby’s birth. I recognized the blanket he was wrapped in. The window behind them in their family picture was familiar. They weren’t at home snuggling their baby in a home-made blanket they got at a baby shower. They were in the hospital.
It tore me up! Broke my heart! Made me feel about an inch tall because I knew the thoughts I had in the beginning when I heard their birth plan. Did I do this? Was it my fault they didn’t get the birth they wanted?
Man, they say you have triggers when you are in the grieving process, but I never in a million years thought that grieving a birth plan could bring up so much emotion!!
That sweet baby had to be in the NICU for about 2 weeks after he was born. We ran into them the day after he came home from the hospital and I was a nervous wreck to hear their birth story. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want to make her feel like she had to tell me. I wanted her to tell me if she wanted to.
They were proud parents. Glowing with that new mommy and daddy glow. So happy to show off their son to anyone who saw him. But then, slowly the tears started filling her eyes. She apologized for being emotional. As best she could I heard the word “C-section” murmured.
STAB RIGHT TO THE HEART! I had hoped that when I saw the hospital pictures that maybe, just maybe, she was still able to deliver at home and that only the baby had to be transferred post-delivery. Or that maybe she could still deliver natural at the hospital, but hearing that word cut me, it cut me deep.
I know that I didn’t cause this to happen because of the thoughts I had. I know it’s the devil trying to kick me while I’m down. I know all of that. And you know what else? It’s not about ME!
I have been thinking about ME the whole time. I helped Jessica have an all-natural birth. I felt this way, I did that…me…mE…ME…
JUST STOP! It’s not all about ME!!
God is in control. It’s about Him and His plans for us. Yes, we can have some input when we pray to Him, but ultimately He’s got this, NOT ME!
I pray that as I’m faced with these types of situations in the future that my first reaction will be unwavering excitement for someone who wants to have a natural homebirth and not jealousy or resentment. I pray that I won’t let the devil in my mind and thoughts. I pray that I’m able to help others who might have to go through similar trials that I have and show that there is hope and contentment on the other side of that grief.
I hate that I had these thoughts and feelings, but I’m so happy that I am able to recognize them and hopefully stop them from entering my mind in the future.
I went to a birthing class with a friend the other night and the teacher was telling us about her births. The first one was a C-section and she described it so beautifully and only had happy things to say about it. The second one was also equally as beautiful, but with an all-natural VBAC as the outcome. She was positive and loved both of her births equally.
During one of the breaks I asked her if she felt that way about her C-section instantly or if she has developed those feelings in the years since. She said there was no grieving process for her, but she knows many women who do. She told me about a group that meets every 3rd Monday of the month, ICAN – International Cesarean Awareness Network (link http://www.ican-online.org/). She even got my friend to send me the event on Facebook so I would know when and where it was located.
While some days I think, “I’m totally fine. I don’t need a support group. I can do this myself.” This could be God saying, “Daughter, please listen. I want you to heal. I want you to know you aren’t alone in this. There is strength in you and these ladies can help you find it again.”
I think I’m going to go…